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| Disclaimer: The following blog contains spoilers about the movie: Paranormal Activity. The following also contains racial satire and severe LOLs...come on people...LAUGH A LITTLE!
For those of you white people who are reading this right now, maybe you can explain to the rest of us why you people are so inexplicably lacking in the noggin-bin!
I mean no disrespect, but you see, I just finished watching Paranormal Activity and I am CONVINCED that you people are incapable of making rational decisions! I apologize if I am sounding racist here, but throughout the movie I couldn't help but question how stupid the characters in the movie were. It just seems to me, that any minority placed in the same situation would have handled things much differently. Therefore, the conclusion must be that white people are stupid!
For one thing, I would have GOTTEN THE FÜCK OUT of that place IMMEDIATELY!!! That's just a thought, but who the hell stays in a house haunted by FOCK'N DEMONS...FOR 20+ DAYS??? I don't care if the evil little bastard follows me wherever I go, it'd better have its very own demon car, demon train, demon ship, or demon plane, because I will drive/swim/Jet Blue my way to the biggest, holiest, motha eff'n church/temple/shrine I can find and jump my @$$ butt-nekkid into a vat of holy water!...and that's just for starters!
There would have been a million things that I would have done differently, but what I absolutely WOULD NOT have done was sleep in that creepy gateway-to-hell house...WITH THE BEDROOM DOOR WIDE OPEN! Okay, so the demon thing lives in the attic; yes, why don't we keep the bedroom door open with a straight shot towards the attic door? Two weeks of demonic intrusion into your bedroom didn't prompt even the thought of closing the door while you slept? Maybe lock it? Maybe jam a chair/armoire/poured concrete jersey dividers in front of it? Just a thought. In fact, how does one even fall asleep in a house haunted by demonic possession???
If I saw my bedroom door open and close by itself, I would leave. If I heard guttural demonic screams in the middle of the night, I would leave. If I heard loud banging on the walls while I slept, I would leave. If I saw claw marks on my face in photos, I would leave. If I saw things touching me while I slept on video, I would leave. If I saw any footprints in my bedroom with THREE FOCK'N TOES LEADING TOWARDS MY BED INSTEAD OF THE NORMAL FIVE, I WOULD F@#KING JUMP OUT OF THE BEDROOM WINDOW RIGHT THEN!
The problem, I've determined, is that you [white people] have no sense of fear. Sure, being "brave" and "courageous" sounds all noble on paper, but fear is there for a reason, specifically to keep us alive and to keep us from doing STUPID @$$ SH*T- like purposefully harassing a demonic presence in your home...
To be perfectly honest, there are rational fears and there are irrational fears. Fear of the Dutch (Dutchphobia), fear of chins (geniophobia - the thing under your jaw, not Chinese people), fear of long words (hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia - yes, that's the actual word for it! Look it up!) are all irrational fears. Us non-whites enjoy plenty of completely rational fears - the KKK, crossing south of the Mason Dixon Line, the American justice system...the NYPD. Chief on top of said list I would say definitely includes demon-spawn and minions of hell. We minorities don't like to mess around with no fukin' demons, ghosts, or any sort of apparitions. While it is certainly true that minorities are always the first to get killed in movies, the difference is however that we usually get killed while running away from the monster/alien/police while white people get killed walking INTO said shit-storm. We minorities have an "Oh shit, Imma fukin gawn' get keelled!" alert radar. And it keeps us alive.
White people, don't even try to front it. Who's the fool who's gotta walking into a room where the monster/killer is hiding asking, "hello? Who's there?" like it was a game of Marco Polo? The dumb white chick. Who's the dumbass who's always gotta "check out" that strange/creepy noise. The dumb white frat boy. Who's the idiot who's always gotta say, "now there's got to be a rational explanation for this..." before they get picked off? Yep, white people.
You white people just aren't afraid of anything. When people get stopped by the police, the only people that I see that ever argues with the officers over "constitutional rights" and the "law" are white people. When I get stopped by the police, I use words like "please," "thank you Officer," and "please don't shoot me today, sir."
White people, you need to adopt some fears. Maybe it's your upbringing - as children you grew up in a pleasant carefree environment (i.e. no colonialism) and hence developed no awareness to the potential frightening dangers around you. Parents, to correct this, I suggest you beat your children and instill some proper sense of fear in them. Either that, or spend some time in the ghetto or a similar minority neighborhood like Compton. Because if white people should ever develop have a healthy rational fear of anything, it's minorities.
 Yep, it's called Thugz Mansion and they ain't got hoods Enjoy your LOL hump day :) | | |
| This year's new years resolution was to work more on myself - development wise. Career was important for a while - especially that unsure time right after college where I didn't know what I wanted to be doing with my life. But that's something that's turned into a long term goal now and can't be accomplished overnight. I told myself this year I'd try to reinvest in myself and rediscover/redouble efforts into things that I used to have a passion for. Taking some time to "smell to roses" so to speak. I'm going to try to do more with photography/art, study for GREs (and get into grad school soon), improve my Chinese (and maybe my French or yet another language), and maybe even find a nice girl to bring home to M&D (crosses fingers). I'm going to try to do more on personal development in 2010 and take time to appreciate all the things that I was fortunate to have. I'm starting off with some new stuff I've been working on and off the past few months. I recently had some time off and took a whirl around the local Utrechtart art store and bought some new things to play with. This time, I'm gonna actually use them (promise!).  Full size available (Click "download" on the left) | | |
| Warning: Blog post is NOT SAFE FOR WORK (NSFW) and includes strong language - small children needs to be supervised by adults and adults who supervise their children reading this should be slapped - YOU AWFUL PARENTS WHY WOULD YOU LET YOUR CHILDREN READ THIS???
Since becoming an iPhone owner a few months ago, I have discovered that AT&T's annoyingly successful catchphrase (which is coincidentally also vehemently despised by Verizon), was indeed truer than I had thought! There certainly ARE Apps for just about everything! Wanna map out how far you've jogged? There's an App for that! Read books from Amazon Kindle on your iPhone? There's an App for that! Pop virtual bubble wrap? There's an App for that! ! Wanna make pictures of ladies' boobs jiggle when you shake it? Unfortunately, there's an app for that too!
Reluctantly, I must admit that I have been watching a number of Korean dramas lately (mysoju.com FTW!!!). Hence, I went digging around for a Korean language translation App to help me learn to talk to hawt Korean noonas about Korean culture. In my search, I've discovered my own jewel in the Apple App Store:
Lingopal!  Lingopal is marketed as a pocket language translation and language travel companion. It includes hundreds of commonly used phrases to help you get along in a foreign country. The app boasts that its phrases were not simply done by a software translator but by language experts who understand the nuances of local slang and vernacular.   Here we have a main menu that is organized in essential categories for the traveling (and inevitably lost) American. One can simply drill down to the applicable category and inquire if locals speak English, greet them hello, apologize, or in this case, ask which direct the US embassy is so that one can beat a hasty retreat from alien lands to Americanized soil. And, if you can't read Korean, you can also expand the phrase to the whole screen for locals to read or press the convenient play button for an audio recording of the phrase. All in all, Longopal is a great app, and for the price of $0.99, it's a steal! However the real gem of the app is when you scroll downwards away from the essential categories to the fun (and equally useful!) translation phrases.  Namely, Lingopal can also teach you expertly translated useful phrases to flirt, joke, "get lucky" and even reject locals! For example, to ward off unwanted attention by a local pursuer of the opposite sex, you have the option to tell them, visually show them, or play an audio recording to let them know that you are, in fact, diseased...  Yet this is only scratching the surface of the capabilities, and consequentially, sheer awesomeness of Lingopal Korean Edition! Just like in anatomy, finger your way even further downward and you will find these jewels:  Particularly awesome are the X-Rated insults section where creativity doesn't necessarily get lost in translation.      Even more brilliant is this following phrase found in the "gay category" of Lingopal Korean Edition:  Lingopal is full of hilarious and endlessly entertaining phrases. What's more, is that you can download the entire Lingopal suite consisting of translations and phrases in 44 languages for $9.99. Entertain yourself and your friends with hours of linguistic humor! Because saying "suck my dick and wash my car" just doesn't carry any weight unless you can say it to people in their local tongue! (It means you care!) Check out Lingopal yourself if you are interested!
*note: on closer examination by my Korean friends, it appears Lingopal's translations are not direct translations of their perceived English equivalents. Rather, they are only close approximations or, at best, phrases carrying equal insulting weight. I don't know ANY language that can say "Your mother fucks for fish heads at the docks" in five words. It appears creativity does get lost in translation. | | |
| Everybody's got that ONE friend who likes to ask you for your opinion on absurdly comical purchases. You laugh your ass off only to discover they were being serious. You know what I'm talking about. And if you don't, then chances are that you ARE the friend who enjoys ostracizing themselves socially and bringing your friends down with you by virtue of your association. My best friend has an eye for the aesthetically bizarre (read: ugly). Shopping with him is less so an exercise of finding "nice" things and more of convincing him to steer clear of purchases that would get us accosted in public.
It's not that I don't love my best buddy, but even as a friend, one can endure so much glaring stares when you know the outfit worn by the one walking next to you offends all of humanity and the living. What's more, he gains some manner of pride in his dubious purchases - what he describes as "totally awesome!" and "the hottest thing ever, man!" Try as we might, our mutual friends and I have desperately tried to console him and bade him away from his hateful obsessions. However bad taste it seems, like a bad one-night-stand, refuses to leave in the morning.
If you are with small children, please cover their eyes. If you are weak of heart, please refrain from staring too intently. And if you are gay or an equally venerable fashionista, please try to control yourself from dissolving into an uncontrollable rage.
I present to you:
Ugly Shit My Best Friend Bought/Tried to Buy in the Past Three Months
 These loafers from Guess were on sale. One look and one can tell why - they were selling well, at least not to customers with proper usage of both eyes. For $39.99 online, the BFF tried to convince me that "these were da shiet!" I had to threaten him with the consequences that these shoes could pose on his chances of passing on his gene-pool to keep these from entering the shopping cart.  For $6 at H&M, the BFF spent 15+ minutes admiring himself in the mirror in store at how great these [girls'] terrorists' scarf looked on him...AGAINST the pleading of myself, his sister, and a mutual friend. We had to hide this monstrosity in the store from him to keep them from making it to the cash register.  Price: unknown. The BFF got these in the mall by himself without proper supervision around, although no one with a working brain would pay more than a bucket of fish heads for these...and only to use them as makeshift hammers to clobber more fish with.  After the debacle that was the previous purchase, he wanted to get another pair in the same grotesque style to complete his douchebag Coachbag collection - you know, in case if he ever wanted to buy an $800 purse to go with them...*yuck!* Xp  From Macy's. Price: unknown, but definitely overpaid. In fact, if he gave the cashier anything for these, he overpaid. Rather, they should be giving him money and a medal for removing a monstrosity that was scaring away paying customers.  He wanted to buy this one to MATCH the overpriced coat he bought above - so that he could finally complete his dream of blending into a sofa...or a curtain...at a gay flannel logger's convention. Thankfully, Macys.com didn't have his size and the nation's heart attack rates have remained level... And the CREME-DE-LA-CREME of Ugly Shit My Best Friend Wanted to Buy:  These were on sale. Hmmm, I'm curious to know why? These bright yellow snowboarding pants probably shouldn't be all that shocking to anyone. You, and most people have probably seen them. They were in a full featured movie that was a hit in the box office recently:  Think, if this was just three months of it, what monstrosities have been lurking in his closet in the past 26 years?  | | |
| I realize, my adoring fans, that I have been quite negligent from my blog lately. For this unforgivable deficiency, I must extend to you, my loyal followers, a thousand appologies; however all I can say is that life has been hectic and da shiet has been CRAZ-E! It's not that I haven't tried to write more entertaining blogs, but my brain is a giant bucket full of useless junk and it takes me hours and days to compile enough mental willpower (and consequentially Ritalin prescriptions) to create a worthy blog. Therefore, I promise that 2010 will be a more blog-a-licious new year!
To start off 2010, I'd like to share that I've inadvertently discovered my doppelganger on the interweb[verse]!
Everyone, meet Anna Sophie Loewenberg, or "Su fei" as she is know by her fans on her website " SexyBeijing," a video blog website created as a spoof off of Sex and the City. From what I can tell, Su Fei is my overseas doppelganger!...well, a female...blonde...thiries-something... Jewish doppelganger... Su Fei is a resident of the Beijing capitol city at the seat of China opposite of my Washington, DC residence...and...she SPEED DATES! :D | | |
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