TD Bank 5 Boro Bike Tour 2012!

This year due to the insistence of my friends, I participated in the TD Bank NYC 5 Boro Bike Tour! 40 Miles of biking from Battery Park in lower Manhattan through Central Park, the Bronx, Queens, Brooklyn, and across the Verrazano bridge ending in Staten Island. The streets of NYC got closed down for a full day so approximately 7,000 bikers could ride through them without cars! To get ready for the bike tour I even trained! And by "trained," I mean I pedaled on the spinning machine at the gym two times the week before and eating healthy (tried eating these green leafy things that tasted bad). To do the 40, I rented a road bike, it's one of those things with the tiny thin wheels and the handle bars that curved down like a ram's horns. It was so light that I could lift it with one arm, but unfortunately the downside was that it had no suspension and the tires were crazy firm so it pounded my ass like a giant black (*expletive*) with every rock, bump, and grate. It's been almost a week now and my (*expletive*) still hurts like a (*expletive*) every time I sit down. I think I even might have seen blood. But would I do it again? Hells *expletive* yeah!

You also get to see the NYC Bike Expo as an extra perk! Got lots of free samples of food and drinks.

Stunt BMX show at the Expo!

This guy was jumping over the announcer in a chair.

They have great insurance plans!

Hidden kitty on 26th Steet.

On the Staten Island to Battery Park Ferry. Preparing to storm the German occupied beach head!

Battery Park

Fellow riders

Brooklyn! This is a few miles away from the Verazano bridge that leads us to Staten Island. Biking up that monstrosity was NOT enjoyable, but we didn't stop to rest!

My friend's GF, J

Sunlight makes eyes extra chinky!

I got a nice healthy wrist sun burn from my outfit. Basically the area between my gloves and my sleeves got a nice cooked red color to them...

The map says 37.56 miles but I didn't start recording until Soho. Also please ignore the big blue spike in speed that says I did 4,815 mph, it was due to me turning off Runkeeper for 13 miles in the middle and I had to edit the map. Unfortunately you can't edit speed data and the program decided to add in data. That said, on the downhill side of the Verazano bridge, I did 35.5mph...ON A BIKE! D: For a moment I realized that if I crashed it probably would have been the end of me!

Glow in the Dark Condoms!

Haha...anyone have real life experience with this? Is it really as fun as it looks? :P

OkCupid is Dead to me!

Dead. And. Gone.

I've had my OkCupid (OKQ) account since 2009. This was back in my DC days when I was young and naive, "I'm new to this city and I'm young and hip and willing to try new things!" (DERP!) Three and some change years later I've only a whole TWO people, both of which were in DC and NONE in NYC. Believe me, it's not from a lack of trying. I browse my "quivers," look for high percentage compatible matches, and painstakingly take 30+ minutes to agonizingly craft witty and charming opening dialogues only to be ignored or be prompted that "the [user's] mailbox is full, so she can’t receive any new messages." Please upgrade to our premium service for only $9.95 a month. True love at the price of a Big Mac #2 meal. Recently I've come to the conclusion that OKQ simply does. not. work. At least, not for boys.

my first rage comic!

The problem with internet dating is that while effective at allowing you to meet people that you would otherwise never meet, it also makes you compete against people you would otherwise never compete against. This is great if you are a girl - oceans of adoring potential suitors come lapping at your feet for the right to your attention. However if you are a boy, it is disastrous. Suddenly every man and bisexual/lezzie girl is your sworn enemy. There's your thoroughfare meatwad douché with huge abdominals and a camera flash halo for a head, and then there's the recluse 30-year old who lives in his mother's basement who suddenly grows himself spine. The interwebs has a great democratizing effect and suddenly everyone's on a mad scramble...with 10 profile photos each and 10,000 characters or less.

This is ironic because avoiding the anonymous indifference of the bar and club scene was the entire reason why I chose to try online dating in the first place. Dating sites like OKQ are essentially just a bigger, louder bar scene where everyone including the bartender are out to bleed you for the girl you want to talk to. And if girls were choosy in real life, girls are major snooty and picky^∞ online. On OKQ if you are a man, you are a statistic and an afterthought; essentially a placeholder for an inevitable upgrade. In the years I've had my OKQ account, I've been messaged by a girl out of the blue 3 full times. All of my girlfriends who maintain OKQ, Match.com, and eHarmony accounts all tell me they have so many messages each week that it's become an impossible task just to go through them every week. I found out last month that even my 40-something coworker has an OKQ account and gets hundreds per messages week. I've sent probably hundreds of messages only to be ignored or get through a few exchanges only to have the other person drop off unexpectedly never to reconnect again. Oh, and I get about one-two visitors (formerly stalkers) on my profile once every month or so. Coincidentally, the only group that consistently views my profile are Black women. Why black women have such exquisite taste and wisdom, I'll never know!

Dear black women, please distribute your wealth of wisdom to your pale[er] sisters!

That's why I've given up on meeting anyone of value on OKQ. No more false delusions about meeting that special girl on this deceiver and peddler of false promises! This week, I've deleted the entirety of my OKQ profile and all its informative details about my likes, wants, and any semblance of compatibility. Instead, I have replaced it with the following angry tirade of sarcastic and ill-intended malcontent[ment]. Any woman that responds to this new profile either hasn't read any of it (like a man) or has abandonment issues herself and the two if us can hate all things together. And if I ever get a real date through this, I'm gonna show up in...oh I dunno, a vampire costume with teeth, fake blood dripping down my chin and a giant effin' black V painted down the center of my forehead. That, or a giant chicken suit and we can have dinner at a KFC... Until then, I will be murdering prostitutes in dark alleys in a fit of displaced rage talking to my shrink.

My NEW OKQ Profile:

My self summary:
Okay, I am obligated by my voluntary acceptance of the End User License Agreement (EULA) to provide to you the following:

Secret SERVICE(S)

If you have been paying attention to the news lately, the newest scandal across up the headlines this week involves Secret Service agents soliciting local Colombian prostitutes for sex during President Obama's high-profile Latin America trip. As a former government employee, I am appalled by this lewd and careless behavior from the people that are charged with protecting our President. Not only was it morally remiss and highly unprofessional for government agents to be engaging in the sex trade, the behavior has embarrassed and disgraced our country's highest office on foreign soil. Now details have surfaced that not only did these agents solicited paid sex, afterwards the agents refused to pay the girls they solicited the following morning and a highly public argument ensued.

This made me exceedingly upset. When I was in college, Rutgers had an international studies program that brought a group of students to Vietnam every summer to teach English in schools. I applied twice but was rejected each time. I later learned that the program was reluctant to take males because one year, some SHITWAD brought a prostitute back to the hotel and kicked her out afterwards without paying her. If you're going to go a third world country to exploit the devalued local currency and prey on the local sex trade, at least have the fucking decency to pay them afterwards for their services. Sex tourism is an unfortunate reality in our world because of the differences in international sex trade laws and the discrepancy in currency exchange rates. Furthermore, the target spots for sex tourism usually resides in the underdeveloped third world and the consumers are exceedingly comprised of Westerners. All moral and ethic arguments aside, if you're going to do this, at least fucking pay the women for their services! Preferably handsomely. Don't do the deed and then haggle over the price afterwards like a massive shitbag. Almost no one works in the sex trade by choice - almost all are out of economic necessity. A few hundred of your American/Euro dollars can feed someone in a poorer country for days or fund them well on their way to getting out of the business. 

As for the Secret Service douchebags, three of them have been fired/resigned and a formal investigation is underway. And rightly so. They've shamed the Office they swore to protect and allowed the foreign news media to ridicule us as pompous assholes.

Clean and Dry Intimate Wash! (NSFW)

Warning NOT SAFE FOR WORK! (NSFW)

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So ladies, would you pour BURNING, SCALDING, BLEACH on your cat so men will desire you?